The Ones That Stick With You

The Ones That Stick With You

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. -Confucius

The five year old boy who came in with altered mental status and irregular respirations. He was intubated and sedated, but kept fighting the vent so was taken back off of it. Had crazy breathing patterns, like really crazy. Other than his disoriented grabs at the ETT tube in his throat when sedation was waning, I never saw him move. I never saw a glimpse of the beautiful normal boy he was before getting sick. We did all the tests we could do. Doctors emailed other doctors and we all scratched our heads. He got worse. Respiratory failure. Heart block. Brain Death. We watched him die without any answers, any idea why. It was hard to see the beauty that time.

The seven year old boy with a massive complicated growth disfiguring his tongue, which hangs out of his mouth letting secretions pour down his front side constantly. I have no idea what caused the mass or what doctors and surgeons will be able to do for him. He also has a strange skin disorder and eye problems. My first interaction with him involved trying to hold down all of his limbs as he tried to fend off the nurse attempting to clean his mouth out, screaming all the while. After that rude introduction I didn’t know how receptive he would be to letting me assess him. Haitians are generally extremely wary and unreceptive of people with any sort of physical disfigurement, so I’m sure this poor boy and his mom had been given a wide berth for some time. With a friendly voice and smile I had a new friend. When I listened to his lungs and heart with my stethoscope he was curious and wanted to take it from me. So I helped him listen to his heart with it and then mine. That got an attempt at a smile out of him. Later in the morning we had to hold him down again so I could pop in an IV and we could clean his mouth again. A tiny toy car reward won him over again and we raced it up and down the bed. There’s no telling how much of his drool I got all over me this week. He gradually started helping us clean his mouth out instead of fighting. He would cry when his mom stepped out for a moment, but if I sat with him and talked to him he would sometimes stop. Love conquers all.

The ten year old girl who had typhoid which caused her bowel to rupture. She had one surgery, got better for a few days, got worse and had another surgery. She came out of the second one with a large abdominal wound and an ileostomy. I held her hand through a lot of dressing changes and tried to reassure her in many, many moments of terror. Her mom couldn’t even stay in the room for dressing changes at first. We all talked ourselves blue in the face with her and her mom, trying to explain what was happening. She didn’t understand. She was so afraid. Yesterday we put a vacuum dressing on her abdominal wound and I tried to calm her while she cried for Jesus and said she was dying. She wrote a note of a prayer asking God to forgive her for her sins and her mother’s sins, which were causing her to die. My heart is broken for this girl. I am so angry with myself for getting so lazy in learning Kreyol that I don’t know how to tell her Truth with my own words. I held her hand and stroked her head and smiled and said the few encouraging phrases I had. She liked to play with the end of my long ponytail and touch my face when I was sitting close to her. I am angry at myself for not having the words for her, I am sad and broken-hearted for the physical pain she is in, I am devastated that she doesn’t understand the earth-shattering love that God has for her. My prayers just don’t seem like enough.


My best friend introduced me to one of my favorite songs, “Farther Along” by Josh Garrels. I listen to it a lot here. Because I don’t understand why any of these sad things happen. I want to trust God that He’s always good. Maybe one day I’ll understand, maybe never. Until then it is enough that He knows.

I’m glad He is big. I’m glad He is a mystery. If He was a God that my small mind could understand He wouldn’t be a big enough God to save me, or any of us.

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why

The good man died, the bad man thrives

And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both

We're all cast-aways in need of rope

Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope

In a house of mirrors full of smoke

Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along

To every chorus of the song

That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates

Leading mice and men down to their fates

But some will courageously escape

The seductive voice with a heart of faith

While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told

It's full of beauty that will unfold

And shine like you struck gold my wayward son

That deadweight burden weighs a ton

Go down into the river and let it run

Wash away all the things you've done

Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side

Between the rock and a compromise

Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul

And I've got no place left go

'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown

More glory than the world has known

Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall

I'm free to love once and for all

And even when I fall I'll get back up

For the joy that overflows my cup

Heaven filled me with more than enough

Broke down my levees and my bluffs

Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us

Some rejoice and the others fuss

'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess

That the Son of God is forever blessed

His is the kingdom, we're the guests

So put your voice up to the test

Sing Lord, come soon 

Farther along we'll know all about it

Farther along we'll understand why

So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine

We'll understand this, all by and by