Sorrow and Suffering

"Jesus walked into the little girl's bedroom. And there, lying in the corner, in the shadows, was the still little figure. Jesus sat on the bed and took her pale hand.”

"Honey," he said, "it's time to get up." And he reached down into death and gently brought the little girl back to life.

 The little girl woke up, rubbed her eyes as if she'd just had a good night's sleep, and leapt out of bed...

Jesus was making the sad things come untrue. He was mending God's broken world." (Jesus Storybook Bible)

It has been a number of years since I told Jesus I would follow Him anywhere. Every day I learn more of Him and there will always be more of Him to learn. I could never have imagined all of the places he would take me over the last few years, the things He would lead me through. One thing I know, there is nothing else for me. There is no Kristen without Jesus.

Before a couple years ago, being a nurse was not even on my radar. I had this proud and selfish plan to become a rich, prestigious equine vet and have a big ranch and lots of horses. I’m thankful that God took that plan and replaced it with a love for people and serving them, doing the hard, dirty, undesirable tasks to care for them in their sickness that is nursing. I have learned more of Him through this journey of becoming a nurse than through anything else.

Long is the story that led me to Haiti, to this hospital, taking care of kids in tremendous sickness. It is nothing I could have dreamed up for myself. And I certainly would never have planned the part of the story that involved watching a dozen beautiful kids die over the last four weeks. A couple of them have been on palliative care, broken bodies with brains too injured from hydrocephalus to repair. We have loved and snuggled them until they were gone.

More often we have been fighting death to the last minute- in a code, with CPR, respiratory support, pushing meds, and willing the little bodies to keep going. When we have done all we can there comes a moment when we have to stop, and let go. That moment feels something like going 90-miles an hour and pulling the E-brake, I think.

I have been often amazed at the amount of peace God has poured over me in these moments. As we pull out IVs and wipe away blood and wrap the child in a clean sheet, as we silence monitors and parents start wailing, somehow there is peace. Because I know the Jesus that I serve. And He is there.

“May the Eternal’s answer find you, come to rescue you, when you desperately cling to the end of your rope. May the name of the True God of Jacob be your shelter. May He extend hope and help to you from His holy sanctuary and support you from His sacred city of Zion. May He remember all that you have offered Him; may your burnt sacrifices serve as a prelude to His mercy.” Psalm 20:1-3

Last weekend was different. On Friday morning, three of our kids on the unit coded before noon, meaning they required emergency respiratory support and CPR. Two of them we managed to stabilize. The third one died. It was an avalanche, it just kept coming. Saturday morning, one of the babies that coded the day before coded again and we lost him.

This time I wasn’t peaceful. That boy was so strong and healthy only days before. I wanted him back. I was frustrated with God. And I was frustrated that my boy, a teenager who has been my patient for five weeks, had coded again and was doing so poorly. I have been praying, begging God for this kid, he is wrapped up in my heart a hundred times over. Heal, Jesus, heal him, like you do in the Bible, like you have done in my heart so many times, like I know you can. Why is he getting worse and not better after all he has been through? These kids are so sick. Where are you??

 Fear, sadness, frustration, brokenness- it washed over like a storm. And like so many times before, Jesus called out and calmed the storm. He was there all along. He was holding us all in His hand.  

“As for those who grieve over Zion, God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, to anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness. People will call them magnificent, like great towering trees standing for what is right. They stand to the glory of the Eternal who planted them.” Isaiah 61:3

One of my dear friends introduced me to a book that has been an illustration for my life in so many ways, Hinds Feet on High Places, an allegory describing a young woman’s journey with the Shepherd to the High Places of Love. Along the journey Jesus chooses companions to help her on the way, Sorrow and Suffering. She doesn’t understand the choice and is fearful at first, but they are the strong helpers that get her through the hardest places and are ultimately transformed into Joy and Peace. I never thought I would be walking hand in hand with sorrow and suffering on a daily basis, but here I am. And it is difficult and full of pain, but blessed.

“There is absolutely no experience, however terrible, or heartbreaking, or unjust, or cruel, or evil, which you can meet in the course of your earthly life, that can harm you if you will but let me teach you how to accept it with joy; and to react to it triumphantly as I did myself, with love and forgiveness and with willingness to bear the results of wrong done by others. Every trial, every test, every difficulty and seemingly wrong experience through which you may have to pass, is only another opportunity granted to you of conquering an evil thing and bringing out of it something to the lasting praise and glory of God.

“You sons and daughters of Adam, in all your suffering and sorrow, are the most privileged of all beings, for you are to be perfected through suffering and to become the sons and daughters of God with his power to overcome evil with good.“ (Hannah Hurnard)

On a daily basis I discover more questions without answers; hard, ugly things I will never understand in this life, the fruit of a broken world. However, I am reminded over and again of the things that I do know to be true. Of God’s great and everlasting goodness and love towards us, I have no doubt. Because even when I’m broken and crying and banging my fists on His chest, there is nothing and no one else that is Love. And Love always wins. It is winning even now, in the moments when the last breath is gone and the mama is crying and it appears that Death is winning. That is the lie. Love is the Victory. He is making the sad things come untrue. So what else is there but to continue to love? I know of nothing.

I’m thankful to have stepped away for a few days, a chance to grieve. I’m thankful for an afternoon in the mountains. I’m thankful for beautiful, joyful living children that remind me what the Kingdom of God is about. I’m thankful for the reminders of people I love, pointing me to the cross and telling me that Jesus knows everything about the pain that I feel. I’m thankful for His very own words, reminding me to keep asking, seeking, knocking, never giving up. Every time this heart is crushed down and broken with pain, somehow He fills it full to bursting with joy again. That is just His way.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.

 “Love others well, and don’t hide behind a mask; love authentically. Despise evil; pursue what is good as if your life depends on it. Live in true devotion to one another, loving each other as brothers and sisters. Be first to honor others by putting them first. Do not slack in your faithfulness and hard work. Let your spirit be on fire, bubbling up and boiling over, as you serve the Lord. Do not forget to rejoice, for hope is always just around the corner. Hold up through the hard times that are coming, and devote yourselves to prayer. Share what you have with the saints, so they lack nothing; take every opportunity to open your life and home to others.” Romans 12: 9-13