Weary

Weary

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith. “ Galatians 6:9-10

The excitement and adrenaline of being here and remembering how to be a nurse lasted for most of the first two weeks. I was cruising along, surrounded by really cool and encouraging people who gave me energy. I was renewing relationships from before and having fun making friends with the weekly volunteers. My patient load was pretty reasonable and the moments of feeling overwhelmed were few and far between, outweighed by the small victories of mostly knowing what I was doing and being built up in confidence.

The beginning of week three was a different story. A pediatric surgeon was here and we were over-capacity with patients and it was a light volunteer week. I recognized that I had been drawing confidence from the strong nurses and doctors I had worked with in previous weeks and I acutely felt the lack of that. I was tired, overwhelmed, and irritable. I caught myself cussing at temperamental IV pumps. Mostly I felt a total lack of grace in myself towards others. I was irritated by the people I was working with and short-tempered towards patient’s parents asking for this or that. “Can’t they see how busy I am?” My patience was in short supply.

Tuesday night of week 3 was the breakdown. The weight of what I was being asked to do seemed so heavy. But what really laid me flat was the total lack of grace and patience I had towards others for the previous few days. I had grown weary of doing good and looked at it as a burden, feeling harshly towards others for not adequately appreciating me for bearing it. Pride is such a cunning and despicable enemy, creeping in to spoil beautiful things. But my God is merciful and gentle, reminding me in the dark on the roof of all the grace He has for me in infinite supply, how He is redeeming every part of me; and even though that work is far from done, He will never give up on me.

"Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Truly each day is new here. No two days are ever the same. And the hope in me makes me feel that every day is a fresh opportunity to get it right. I am so grateful for the patience that others have shown me. For the moms and dads and nurses and kids who allow me to try again to serve them well, even after I’ve been cross or unkind. And these kids teach me so much about forgiveness, because even after I poke them with needles and make them take their medicine they still allow me to be their friend; they smile and play with me. I am learning so much from them about bearing patiently with others, as they do so with me.

“Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible—terrible in its determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved.” Hannah Hurnard

Since that evening on the roof, the past two weeks have been far more difficult physically and emotionally. I have had more patients, sicker kids, worked longer hours, and seen more suffering. It’s kind of comical, in fact, that every time I think to myself, “that was probably the hardest/busiest/most tiring day ever,” then the next day is sure to be even more so. But God is relentless in His pursuit of the person He is shaping me into. I see that in all of these things He is flooding me with opportunities to be the person of grace and peace He desires me to be, and because of His great mercy He allows me to try again and again, though I often fail.

“The Eternal will finish what He started in me. Your faithful love, O Eternal One, lasts forever; do not give up on what your hands have made.” Psalm 138:8

Made New

As the Lord is teaching me about redemption, the process that it is in my own life, He is illustrating it for me in so many beautiful and encouraging ways. In the middle of being a total stressball two weeks ago, I got the most delightful gift as a reminder that God is making all things new.

When I was here in the fall, the last few weeks of my stay we had a patient who I worked with a lot. I wrote about her here, she is the girl whose bowel ruptured and had to have an ileostomy. When I left, she was still so sick, afraid, and in pain. I often wondered about how she was. When the pediatric surgeon was here one of the scheduled surgeries was none other than a bowel reanastomosis (putting the intestine back together) for that same sweet girl.

When I saw her I could hardly believe my eyes. She was so strong and healthy and happy. She had grown so much and seemed totally at ease in her own skin, ileostomy and all. I was beyond delighted to see her and hug her again. Her mother, who used to run from the room at the sight of the ileostomy, was helping other moms on the unit learn how to care for their babies who had new colostomies themselves. The surgery went well, put the girl’s body back in order, made it whole and right again as it should be. But it is evident that God has made her new again in so many other ways as well. It was a great privilege to see such an evident display of God’s healing. His love is strong.